The thing is you never will truly understand something unless it happens to you, and goodness do I hope this will never happen to you. But for those of you who haven’t experienced suicidal thoughts, there is something you need to know.
Before my assault, I had never been suicidal, not really. I’d thought about it but hadn’t experienced the overwhelming urge that you are unable to simply shrug off and continue your day with. I used to think that if someone felt suicidal that they’d been planning it for ages and knew exactly what they were going to do. This can be the case sometimes, but not always.
See for me there were many varying horrible thoughts and voices that flowed through my head telling me to give up, but these varying feelings I can categorize into three main subsections.
Firstly, there is numbness. You’re fed up of existing, of feeling like you’re nothing but a shell and that all you’re doing is walking through the motions every day of what a ‘happy’ person would do. The greatest façade; pretending that everything is okay. But really you don’t want to be there anymore, you don’t necessarily want to die but you also no longer want to exist. You just want the world to pause. You aren’t going to actively plan your suicide but if the chance came you’d take it.
Secondly, there is what is seen as “normal” suicidal feelings. By normal I do not by any means mean that they are okay and if you feel this way please get help because you are so special and deserve to be free from these demons. By normal I mean what from an outside perspective you would think being suicidal is; a long-lasting overwhelming feeling of just wanting everything to stop, to not exist anymore. A feeling that has plagued you for some time and you either have or could plan out how you’d do it. Similar to the first type but somewhat more intense, instead of wavering between wanting to not be here anymore and just wanting a break you are more certain. This is what I always thought it meant to be suicidal. I thought it wasn’t something that could not happen quickly but was, in fact, a long-lasting feeling that you’d fought for so long and could no longer ignore. This is what makes the third type so scary.
Thirdly, and most scarily is the one that I had no idea existed until I felt suicidal. To feel this, I think you have to have the first kind to an extent or at least to be in such a low place that you just don’t really care anymore. Because this kind is the spontaneous, here is my opportunity so let’s do it kind. It hasn’t been pre-planned, in-fact you may not have even knowingly felt suicidal but, you see a sudden opportunity to take your life and you do it.
This type is so scary because it’s so sudden and seemingly unexplained. The first time I felt this was one day when walking, I was very low but I didn’t think I was suicidal. Until I stumbled upon a bridge over a train track and thought, “why not?”. I sat on that bridge for hours, mind numb, body numb, just so ready for this pain to end. Luckily for me, there were no trains that day or I would not be writing this right now.
The reason I am writing this is that I didn’t realize how quickly you can go from feeling like you have everything under control to suddenly wanting to end it all and how scary it is to see how quickly someone can make that decision. So I urge you all, every single one of you to please reach out to people you know. Even people you don’t know. Because that person, you know the one who always seems happy, occasionally may post something “depressing” but quickly removes it. Or they may be totally silent in their pain. That is the person I urge you to reach out to as just because you cannot see their suffering does not mean it’s not there. I cannot stress enough how important human interaction, kindness and love means when you are in that place emotionally. So PLEASE reach out, be kind, be empathetic because you never know when you could be saving a life.